M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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