the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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