Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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