CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
