I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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