The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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