i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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