just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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