Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
