Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize