Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
