Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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