Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
