his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
