did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Randomize
