My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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