So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I want her autograph on my taint
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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