I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
