just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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