Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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