I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
