just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
