I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
