I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize