I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
