I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
