Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Can you bring me the toilet please
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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