So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
