Me too!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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