The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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