I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
