Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We are all done wearing pants today
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
