I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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