I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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