were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Never joke about your clitoris.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
