yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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