So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
