I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
