Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
