I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
