they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
