I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize