Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
is wine microwaveable?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
