It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
