you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
