I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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