i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
