Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
