I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
