After last night, I could never be a politician.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize