Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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