There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
