Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
