You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
