don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
