Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
