I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I could make wine with my vomit
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
