just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize