Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
