You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
