mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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