real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
