I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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